Muggles Kidnapped
by TaekwondoAssKicking
Summary: Two muggles suddenly find themselves at Hogwarts for some unknown reason, other than maybe a show? What? They try to logic it out, but things are just weird and don't add up. Is that a dragon? Ed and Nick were a bit screwed. One-shot.


**Bold: my friend's thing that does not belong to me  
** _ **Bold Italicized: my own thing (this story was a response to my friend and I's texting)**_

 **Muggles Kidnapped**

 **Half bloods and muggleborns shall inherit the earth**

 _ ***lightning in background***_

 _ ***followed by thunder and full on out evil chuckling***_

 ***purple smoke billows as the respective wizards descend from the ceiling* *Dumbledore applauds while the other wizards groan***

 _ ***said descending wizards float down to the ground, feet hitting it as noiselessly and as gentle as a feather. They turn to the audience and bow in a slow, graceful motion***_

 ***the other wizards heckle them while the few muggles invited stare in awe and confusion***

"Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" Ed the muggle whispered to his companion.

"Uh. You see the floating people too?"

Ed's eyebrows went above his hairline. "What the bloody heck, mate. What the bloody heck."

Nick, the muggle companion, shrugged. "I smoked some pot, passed out, and woke up here. I thought it was the drugs."

Ed gaped at the other man. Nick smiled weakly. Both men fell into an awkward silence. They stared at the odd-looking people who wore robes and pointy hats.

"So," Nick started, wanting to break the silence between them. "Is this some sort of cult or something?" Ed frowned, eying the stick-wielding figures that were clad in flowy garments. Nick made a face, as if this was a great inconvenience. "Cuz I really don't fancy being offered as some human sacrifice thing right now."

Ed snorted. "Nah," he drawled with a small smirk, "I think this is more of a fan convention. I have a sister who goes to these things—she loves this show or movie about some wizard kid who goes to some school called Pigfarts."

"Pigfarts?" Nick inquired, amused. Ed chuckled, finding it funny.

"Yes. All this—" Ed motioned the room and its inhabitants, "makes much more sense now, doesn't it?"

Nick looked thoughtful. He went to open his mouth, but was interrupted by a loud noise. One of the robed individuals had fallen off a broom, which was still floating. Both men blinked.

"Wires, perhaps?" Nick supplied.

"Dunno," Ed replied, squinting at the still floating broom. "Hard to tell."

"Are you sure this is a convention?"

Ed shrugged. He himself wasn't all that sure.

Suddenly, there was an explosion. Rocks and debris flew all over the place. Nick sneezed. He had allergies to dust.

Something roared.

The robed fellows started screaming and running around like headless chickens.

"IS THAT A BLEEDING DRAGON!?" Ed screeched.

Nick squinted at it. "Are we random extras in a movie? Or is this a drug-induced dream?"

Fire bellowed out of the dragon's mouth. At its sides, a group of genderless people in black hooded robes and pointy black hats with white glowing masks seemed to be laughing evilly.

"Uh." That was Ed.

"Definitely a movie." Nick muttered. "That, or the Ku Klux Klan is trying for a different style. White has really fallen out of fashion, in my opinion."

Ed hadn't noticed it before, but Nick had an American accent. How odd.

A stray bolt of light that came from one of the sticks crashed into the ceiling. The ceiling cracked, groaned, and—

"Oh F***"

Ed agreed wholeheartedly with Nick.

"Are we supposed to move? Cuz if this is a movie, moving could prove to be fatal."

Ed ignored what Nick just said and dived to the side, taking the American with him.

A large chunk of ceiling crashed down right on top of where they had been not even seconds ago.

"JESUS H. ROOSEVELT _CHRIST!_ " That had been Ed. Nick just gaped.

"Well, f*** me." he deadpanned. He turned to Ed. "OK. Not a movie. Now what?"

"HOW ARE YOU SO BLOODY CALM!?" Ed shouted, completely freaking out. Nick shrugged.

"I calm down when I'm terrified out of my wits."

The dragon roared. Both men jumped. They stared at the overgrown black-scaled lizard who had gold-yellow, black-slitted eyes. The dragon, as if it had sensed their staring, turned its scaly head. Their eyes locked.

"We are f***ed."

Surprisingly enough, the speaker had been Ed.

The dragon roared and descended upon the oh so harmless muggles. The wizards, seeing this (or at least, those who cared), shot "STUPEFY!" at the dragon. All thirty reddish bolts of lightning hit it. It did absolutely nothing. In fact, it only seemed to infuriate it further. The dragon, with a tail sweep, sent a bunch of the stick-wielders out flying against the nearest wall. The dragon roared, and pounced towards the gob-smacked and very much terrified muggles. Nick drew out a gun. He pulled the trigger. The shot rang out with a resounding _BANG!_ The bullet hitting it between the eyes. It slumped to the ground, dead.

The hall descended into silence. Even the KKK-wanna-be's were silent. Ed turned to Nick, anger apparent in his eyes. "You can't have a gun!" his voice echoed in the hall. "It's against European _Law!_ "

Nick balked. "We're in BOSTON, dude. American Second Amendment states the right to bear arms. And we are in the US of A. So European laws my a$$."

Ed stared. "We're in London, you twat!"

Nick frowned. "No we're not. Unless I got off the wrong stop again, we're in Boston."

"London!"

"Actually," an old robed man with a very long silver beard piped up, twinkling blue eyes alight. "We are currently somewhere in Scotland."

Silence.

"I'm going to report you people for kidnapping," Ed threatened.

"International kidnapping, in my case."

And that's what happened the last time muggles were plucked from their everyday lives for something wizardly stupid.

The wizards tried to _obliate_ the muggles, but one look at that fireleg made them reconsider.

"Dumbledore, what have you done."

Dumbledore just sat there, damnable twinkle bright enough to blind them all.

The End.


End file.
